FISHIN’ FOR MEN

SCENE: A rowboat on Lake Genneserat. On their Sunday morning televised fishing show, two of Jesus’ Disciples are fishing for converts. Two benches or pairs of chairs facing each other may suggest the boat.

CHARACTERS: SIMON and SIMON PETER love fishing and they love talking about it. They are earnest, but not too bright. The WOMAN is an enthusiastic convert. A GRAY-HAIRED MAN makes a brief, non-speaking appearance.

COSTUMES: Fishing waders or overalls, and fishing hats for SIMON and SIMON PETER; regular church-going attire for the WOMAN and the GRAY-HAIRED MAN

PROPS: Fishing poles, fishing net, tackle box, Bible festooned with lures (remember to remove hooks!); fishing line should be mimed

OTHER: Sound effects of water lapping up against the side of the boat, birds chirping, etc. would be fun to add to the scene.

SUGGESTED SCRIPTURE: Luke 4:39-5:11

SIMON: [To audience] Howdy-do! I’m Simon…

SIMON PETER: …And I’m Simon Peter!

BOTH: Welcome to Fishin’ for Men!

SIMON: We’re out here on Lake Genneserat, just enjoyin’ the sunshine an’ the fishin’.

SIMON PETER: An’ that’s a good thing, cause we ain’t catchin’ a dadburn thing.

SIMON: Right you are, Simon Peter. You know, they should probably change the name of this lake to the Dead Sea! Hee haw!

SIMON PETER: That’s a good one Simon! You ought to write that down and send it in to Bible Reader’s Digest.

SIMON: But, seriously, folks. We’re here to give y’all a few tips on how to bring in the big ones.

SIMON PETER: You mean large mouth bass? Lake trout? Steelhead?

SIMON: No, Simon Peter, I mean fishin’ for men.

SIMON PETER: An’ women?

SIMON: You bet! We’re gonna fill the boat up with Christians, each one a keeper!

SIMON PETER: Yahoo! How we gonna do that, Simon?

SIMON: I’m glad you asked! First thing we gotta consider is our lure.

SIMON PETER: What kinda bait we gonna use?

SIMON: Well, we can’t use just any lure, cause this lake’s been pretty heavily fished. They is mighty wary of the hook. Simon, let’s assume you is a Christian.

SIMON PETER: Which I is.

SIMON: What kind of bait would you rise to?

SIMON PETER: I don’t know? Communion bread and wine? Tuna casserole? Monster truck rally?

SIMON: Well, those are good, and they might get a few nibbles, but if you want followers to hit the line really hard, you gotta offer somethin’ a tad more allurin’.

SIMON PETER: An’ what would that be?

SIMON: I’m glad you asked. The absolute 100 percent best thing to get them into the boat is the teachin’ of Jesus as found in the New Testament. Like this’n right here. [SIMON holds up a small New Testament that is festooned with assorted fishing hooks and lures]

SIMON PETER: That shore looks tasty! What strength line you usin’?

SIMON: I want to give ‘em a sportin’ chance, so I’m only usin’ five-pound test-ament. What say we give it a try? [SIMON mimes attaching the Bible to the fishing line and casts it up the aisle]

SIMON PETER: Nice cast, Simon Peter.

SIMON: [Whispering] Thank you. Now we watch…

SIMON PETER: [Whispers something in SIMON’s ear]

SIMON: Why didn’t you think of that before we got all the way out here? You’ll just have to wait! Oh! Oh! I think I see one! [a GRAY-HAIRED MAN nears the Bible, looks at it for a moment, then walks past and sits down in a pew]

SIMON PETER: Dang! He was a whopper!

SIMON: Did you see all the gray hair? They call that one the Old Man of the Church. He’s been around forever, and no one’s ever caught him readin’ a Bible..

SIMON PETER: Ooh! There’s another! [a WOMAN walks past the Bible without looking, stops, then goes back and picks it up; SIMON whispers loudly] She took it! She took the bait! Reel ‘er in!

SIMON: Hold your horses, Simon Peter. I’m gonna let her have a little line, see if she’s really hooked. [the WOMAN starts to walk out with the Bible] Now! [SIMON gives a mighty tug, and a fierce battle ensues, reminiscent of marlin fishing]

SIMON PETER: You got her, Simon! Yahoo! Look at ‘er jump!

SIMON: She’s a big one! She’s puttin’ up one heck of a fight!

SIMON PETER: I’ll bet she’s five feet long if she’s an inch!

SIMON: I think she’s tirin’! Get the net! Quick! I’ll try to bring her alongside!

SIMON PETER: [Throws net over the WOMAN’s head and shoulders] Got ‘er! Help me get her into the boat! [They struggle with the WOMAN until she is seated with them in the boat] Whew! Should I whack her on the head, Simon?

SIMON: Of course not! [To the WOMAN, shaking her hand] Howdy there, ma’am! My name’s Simon.

SIMON PETER: And I’m Simon Peter! Pleased to make your acquaintance!

WOMAN: Glad to be here. My name’s Yvonne. [referring to the New Testament] You know; this really is great reading. Parables – love – compassion – forgiveness! I couldn’t put it down! I can’t wait to see how it comes out!

SIMON: That’s one of the great things about it – it doesn’t end!

WOMAN: What are you two doing out here?

SIMON: We’re fishin’ for men…

SIMON PETER: And women!

WOMAN: Will you show me how? I’d love to share this book with everyone I know.

SIMON: Then, just stick with us! Well, the waves is kickin’ up, so it looks like we better be getting’ back to shore.

SIMON PETER: Just a sec’. [SIMON PETER draws a big ‘X’ on the side of the boat]

SIMON: Simon Peter, just what in thunderation are you doin’?

SIMON: I’m markin’ an ‘X’ on the side of the boat so we can be sure to find this great fishin’ spot again!

SIMON PETER: Now that won’t work! It don’t make any sense at all!

SIMON PETER: It don’t?

SIMON: Think about it, Simon Peter – what if we take out a different boat next time?

SIMON PETER: By golly – you’re right!

SIMON: Darn tootin’! [to audience] Now, be sure to join us next time, on Fishin’ for Men!

BOTH: An’ women!